Where Do I Go From Here?

One month and nine days since my husband's official death. During that time, I have lived through Thanksgiving and his birthday. Christmas is approaching, but we were never big into that, so it's just a matter of not getting sucked into the Hallmarkiness of everything. I'm looking forward to the new year, if only because I'll be able to say, "My husband died last year", instead of last month. More distance. People like distance from grief. Now that I'm halfway through December, I'm able to panic less and see more future ahead. The first month, from what I remember, consisted primarily of crying, screaming, vomiting and shaking. I lost 14 pounds. I have a wonderful therapist whom I see once a week, or twice a week if things are awful. She is helping me calm down and see a time when there will be more good days than bad. She is reassuring and calm. She wears jeans. My last therapist (some years back) had a number of suits cut identically but in diffe...

 My husband died two weeks ago today.  He had a stroke four days after my sixty first birthday, and lived two nightmarish weeks, during which the family alternated between hope and despair.  He really died two weeks and two days ago. Two doctors had to attest to the fact that there was no brain activity. It was the weekend though, so it took two days to round up the doctors to read the medical reports. I have no language to describe that particular hell.  I could not imagine living without him. We'd been married almost 23 years, and we had things to do. We had concert tickets. We were going to take the dogs to the groomer. He couldn't just die. We had way too many things coming up. Death was not one of them.